In my opinion...

My opinion about stuff that matters. Or not.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

The newest in Chicagoland water entertainment! CC's Indoor WaterWorld

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! I have now opened up a water amusement park in my very own condo! Here are some of the lovely attractions available at my amusement park:

Hallway Slip-N-Slide. Bonus prize if you can make it all the way into the closet!

Sliding Glass Door Aquarium. Come and see all the wildlife of the Condo Pond as it slowly leaks into my home. Bring your galoshes!

Wet-dog fetch championships. Can your dog get to the sopping-wet tennis ball before Mona and Ellie? Afterwards, let your dog jump all over my couch to complete the paw-print design I've been yearning for.

Furniture climbing challenge. See if you can navigate the condo without touching the ground by climbing the furniture that has been stacked against the walls!

Dirty cement floor world. Can you step on more things than me in 60 seconds? You can be a winner!

Name That Smell! Mildew, mold, wet carpet? Put your nose to the test!

Death by electrocution. Try plugging in the appliances that got wet... you could be the lucky winner who avoids... death by electrocution!!

Please be advised, there is no seating in the entire complex. Eating must be done while standing at the counter top. You will need to sign the waiver before entering. Proceeds will go to the Carolyn-is-Suing-the-Condo-Association Fund.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

PSA #0001 "Mind the children please!"

I was at the Sox game on Thursday and I was sitting in front of Mr. Extremely-Loud-Obscenity-Man. I spent the game in fear of either bleeding from the ears, or getting hit by this man who clearly has anger management issues. This man was screaming at the players, had a booming voice, and would utter a string of obsenities- not only at every out, but every... single... time... the players were unable to execute.
Foul ball? @#$(&!@
Error? @($*#*!!
Strike out? @#$*@(#$*! *$)#@*!$*@)#($.
The other team gets a base hit? $#$1$ @#$% ^& #%$^!!!??!?!?
I think you get the point. Never ONCE cheering on the team... unless you count ordering each batter to "get it done". At one point, he was even booing our own team. (Don't even get me started on THAT). I am all for cheering on your team, yelling in excitement, even getting upset over bad calls. But his behavior was not only ANNOYING, but there were at least 10 kids within 10 seats of him. Each and every child, now exposed to an extensive vocabulary of obscenities. So here is my annoucement.

"If you see kids around under 5, keep your filthy, truck driver, negative, hateful mouth SHUT."

You are in public. You are at a place where families gather to enjoy America's favorite pasttime. You are also annoying as all get out.

Also, don't reproduce. We don't need a bunch of these kids walking around, dragging their knuckles just like Daddy.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

pick a number

ok... if you are going to play you have to follow the rules. NO PEEKING at the comments until after you have chosen your number!

Pick a number

what happens in vegas...

i had a lot of fun in vegas this weekend... but there really aren't many stories to tell. well, there are stories to tell, but they just won't be very funny to you, the reader. but... here are somethings that i learned that i reeeaaally like...
1. winning money (it all started with that voucher... cha-CHING)
2. watching drunk people
3. playing blackjack
4. free drinks
5. people who can jump really high and bend themselves in crazy ways
6. winning more money
7. my friend gina!!
8. impersonating french people
9. playing the pick a number game (see future post)
10. dueling piano bars

there are also things i don't like... such as losing money, sweating in the insane heat, walking in dressy shoes, and people who don't know how to walk in straight lines.

viva las vegas baby!

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Great expectations

Look at this kid. He is clearly anticipating someone wonderful about to happen. Maybe he is about to get a big ol' sundae with a cherry on top. Or that's what he THINKS. In reality he is getting a bowl of slop. That is sometimes how I feel about life in general.
I have been really disappointed so far in the activities that I have been attending with my singles group. I always have these pictures in my head of how these activities will be, and the reality is really depressing. For example, I went to "Jammin at the Zoo" this Friday. This is a fundraiser event for Lincoln Park Zoo, where you can go and listen to a band play there. Here is the version that took place in my head... and then the real version.
Imaginary: There is a section of the lawn staked out for our group of 50. We've all brought blankets and are sprawled out enjoying the cool night air, good conversation, and of course- the music.
Reality: There is no room on the lawn. The few of us who brought blankets are regretting it because now we are hot and holding blankets. There is no room for sprawling, instead there are sweaty people as far as the eye can see, and I'm trying really hard not to let my sweaty arm touch their sweaty arms. I HATE that feeling! The conversation is stilted and awkward, and not nearly as focused on me as I would have liked. I knew two songs that the band sang, but I really could barely hear them.

This got me to thinking... the one thing that I have always looked forward to is being a wife and mother. In my imaginary family we sleep in late on Sundays, curl up and watch baseball snuggled up on the couch. My husband frequently tells me how much he adores me, and will often sneak up behind me, brush my hair away from my neck, and plant me with loving kisses. My children are well-behaved, intelligent, witty, clean, and obedient. They enjoy spending time with each other and successful in everything that they do. The dog fetches the paper, and my husband's slippers. My in-laws get along famously with my family. My husband is rich, successful, and has lots of time at home with me and the kids. OH- and he LOVES buying me jewelery. In reality... I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The advantages of having dogs

I have found that having two cute
little dogs is a great way to meet people. Everyone wants to know how old they are, and what breed they are, and do they shed? Can I pet them? Will you give one to me? It's all very nice, and I don't mind people asking questions... but why are they never single males between the ages of 25-35?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

OMG has it been that long!?!

I can't believe it has been two weeks since my last post. What's worse is that I really have NOTHING to write! And yet, I will.

Here are some things to try when you are really bored.
1. Stick a post-it note to one of your dog's paws. Just trust me on this.
2. Blog something. It doesn't even have to be funny. (Please refer to current post.)
3. Shop online! (Use this one sparingly... very dangerous.)
4. Work ahead in your work/school projects. HA! I can't believe I said that with a straight face.
5. Line up your bobble-head dolls and see who can bob their head more times. Of course you will have to come up with a system to ensure that the same pressure is applied to the same area of each bobble head doll. You know, to make the data more reliable.
6. Join an online dating service... It should take you at least 6 hours to fill out your profile.
7. Make up a different persona for each dating site, a la whatever-that-movie-was.
8. Choreograph a dance to your favorite song. I did one for "Juicy". It's funny as hell, but NO ONE will ever see it.
9. Paint each of your toenails a different color. If someone notices say OH MY GOD! How did THAT happen!?!? Then run off crying.
10. Stick a post-it note to one of your dog's paws. Oh, wait. I already said that... You HAVE to try this!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Workplace demands

It has been suggested that I come up with a list of my own demands that should be met on my typical day at work. I've been thinking on it, and here are a few...

1. Everyone at work is to follow these pooping rules.
2. Without warning or explanation, I am allowed to slap one stupid person a day.
3. I reserve the right to immediately discharge 2 patients per month with documented proof that they or their family members are being unreasonable.
4. One large chocolate martini is to be served to me while I am completing my documatation.
5. I actually want my two 15-minute breaks that I am entitled to by law. I am allowed to take them whenever I want, regardless of who wants/needs/insists upon what.
6. Every time I have to clean a patient after using the bathroom, I want the immediate follow up to be a five-minute massage by a hot model of my choice.
7. If scheduling makes an error, they have to come down and explain their idiocy directly to the patient.
8. Each time administration takes away a benefit or adds a stress to our day, they have to put $1000 in a jar for our "happy hour" fund.
9. 24/7 access to a dessert bar.
10. Every weekend is to be a 4-day weekend.

Please, feel free to add to this list in the comments section... I'd like to perfect the list before presenting it to my supervisor.